Ponderings...

I find myself this weekend thinking about the changes that have occurred in our lives the last few months. It began in October when I got called back to teaching. I guess I can't really say I got 'called back' - because technically this position belonged to Tracy Buskirk - but she turned it down b/c it was only half time. Then Erin Voss turned it down because she just had a baby. I was planning on turning it down, too - but our HR director convinced me it was the right move. She was right. I ADORE teaching Young 5's. I ADORE our building. I ADORE my coworkers. I ADORE my principal. I HATE being away from Emma.

Our house sold. We went through a short sale just a few short weeks ago and moved into the house we'd been renovating since October. There is still work to do on the house and my entire life is packed in boxes and stacked in my garage. Yet I am sitting here looking at robins in my front yard and a squirrell staring at me through the window and I feel strangely at peace about it all. I haven't even driven by the old house. I can't. I won't.

I'm hoping we get to know some of our neighbors. It was lonely at the other house. I knew all the kids in our neighborhood and they would often stop by - but I had no friends there. I want friends here! I know that this is largely of my own doing. I have become extremely introverted. I care too much about what others think of me that I don't dare to just be myself and be friendly. I need to stop. I need to figure out how to accept that God made me who I am for a reason and I should love myself for the gifts I have. I don't need to please everyone and be 'socially acceptable' - I just need to be me. If anyone has figured out a formula for doing this - PLEASE SHARE. I'm desperate.

Evan has had a busy school year. He played soccer in the fall, he swam in the winter, now he's playing tennis. He has enjoyed it all but actually shone the most during soccer (which he liked the least). We'll see what next year brings.

Emma is her own little person. She adores balls, play food, chairs, cookies, puppies, bunnies (money!), playing outside, playing in the car, stuffed animals, dancing, ice cream, screaming, throwing tantrums, watching movies in the van, being pretty, sparkly things, digging in the dirt, pickles, cuppies, necklaces, and bracelets. She keeps us on our toes and laughing every day. My Dad has said that Evan would have NEVER gotten away with the things Emma gets away with - and he's right. I'm a much more layed-back parent now!

We are no longer actively trying for another child. The clomid didn't work and after 6 months we called it quits. I can't got through the roller coaster we went through the last time - the YEARS of trying takes too much out of you. Not to mention all the money we poured into it. We just aren't able to do that again. I'm just focusing on getting healthy right now. I'm doing Weight Watchers and walking/running. So far, so good - I'm under 200 lbs. again. Joel lost 20 lbs when we first started, too! Even Evan has slimmed down a bit...

Emma is sitting at the piano making up a song about "cuppies". She is wearing ONE wooden shoe and carrying a Honda label. Clear snot is flowing from both her nostrils into her mouth. Can you see what I see?! She is hilarious...now we've got both wooden shoes on and we're emptying the laundry basket of socks in order to put it on our head as a hat. And a little giggle escapes...LOVE YOU PUNKIN' POO!

Nostalgia...

I cannot believe how big Emma has become. When did my precious baby miracle grow into a toddler with opinions and desires of her own? It is less than a month until she turns a year old. She is walking, eating solid foods, she has quite a sense of humor, she loves to dance and explore, and she has a vocabulary of over 15 words. Amazing!

I am so blessed to have this time at home with her. I get to watch EVERYTHING she does - I don't have to miss any of it! I keep dreaming about school - either teaching, or getting called back. But I am sure that it will not happen this year. I am anxious as we go through so many changes in our lives right now. The house is up for sale. We've had two offers so far - nowhere near what we owe on the house. We are looking for something to rent or possibly a foreclosure or HUD house to buy. I'd like to say that I do not care where we end up, but something inside me KNOWS that I'm going to have to LIVE there - so it better be nice or make-nice-able. We've lived in a house where we were on top of each other. I don't want that again. But I am looking forward to having less space to clean and the lack of space forcing us to spend time together. Right now, Evan can spend all the time he wants in the bonus room where he has his own toys, television, and video games. I rarely see him unless I make him spend time with me. Which, truthfully, I do quite frequently. I also make him get outside and play - although I have discovered that he is spending the time INside someone else's house! Teenagers...

Ugh...I am going to be the mother of a teenager! I cannot possibly be old enough for that. He must belong to someone else.

Joel is still looking for employment outside of Benton Harbor. He is excited about some of the changes that are occurring there, though, and is considering staying for only 7 more years to gain a partial retirement. I am worried that I will love being home over the next year so much that I just won't want to go back to teaching until Emma is older. There are worse things in life. We ran a budget this past weekend and we CAN afford for me to be home if we get into a cheap place to live after this. Can you imagine a house payment of only $200-$300?!? That would be amazing - considering our payments right now are $2500!!!

We started trying to conceive another child. I took Clomid this past cycle, but never had a positive ovulation test. For the past week my ovaries have just felt HEAVY - like lots of follicles developed but none of them turned into eggs. I am probably going to have to go back on Weight Watchers and lose some weight in order to get pregnant again. I tried running for a little while, but I just can't find a time where it fits well in my schedule. A couple times I got up early (before Emma) and did it, but I was exhausted by Emma's nap time. So then I switched to running after I put her down for bed, but falling asleep became difficult! Joel got me a jogging stroller, but it is SUPER uncomfortable to run with it. I prefer to have my hands free. Then again, I am probably just looking for an excuse so that I don't have to do anything physical - which is so self-defeating but dang it all it makes me happy to be lazy! But if I really want another child, I'll find a way to make it work...

Erin is coming today with the boys. They are going to stay the entire week! Yay! I am very excited to spend time with her and Emily and all the kids. Surprisingly, Kayla has been at Erin's house for the past two weeks and I REALLY have missed her! I enjoy the company of my nieces. :)

I ordered a new camera this past weekend - Canon Rebel XSi. I am so excited for it to come because I want to start learning how to do things with it. I think I'll check the Arts Council to see if there are any classes coming up. At first I was just looking for something to take good pictures of the kids with, but I really think I'd like to try to learn to do some professional photography as well. I need to earn a little extra money if I'm not going to be teaching!

Speaking of teaching - I have done quite a bit of tutoring this summer. I've actually really enjoyed it! I use to say that 1 hour once a week was enough - but I've now realized that for the kids who really need the help, they should be tutored 3 times a week at a minimum. Unfortunately, this gets to be expensive for parents! I use to feel guilty about how much I charge to tutor - but I had to remind myself that I am a certified teacher with classroom experience. Those who charge less than me do not have the qualifications I have. So basically, you pay for what you get! If there were a market for it, I would tutor to earn extra money from now on. I LOVE having the one-on-one time with a student. It is so much easier than trying to teach 25 at a time! It makes me look forward to Emma getting older. I will be such a different Mom to her than I was to Evan because I know so much more now! I'm excited to teach her things - so I guess that growing up isn't all that bad. There are things to look forward to. But I still can't help looking back and feeling nostalgic for the time that has already passed.

April 2009

Well it seems the only time I find myself with a few spare moments are during holiday breaks! It is now Spring Break and I am busy checking things off my 'to-do' list and enjoying time with almost-8-month-old Emma! She is such an amazing gift. She is still working on crawling and loves to stand up against things. Every time she hears music she dances and every time Mommy leaves the room she cries! My favorite time with Emma is when she wakes up in the morning (or from a nap) and she looks with wonderment in her eyes at the world around her and just wants to snuggle. I also love how if I wait just a few minutes after she wakes up she will begin to call for me - "Mamamamama"!

Life is likely to change a great deal for us over the next 6 months or so. Holland Public Schools are consolidating buildings and staff so the chances of me having employment next year are not that great. We can no longer afford our beautiful home, so we are trying to sell it! We are hoping to downsize to something more economical yet still in Holland. I would like to stay home with Emma full time next year. I think it would be a gift for both of us! I have complete faith that God will provide a way for us and that He will be with us through whatever changes occur.

Joel is looking at options for employment outside of Michigan. He recently took a Border Patrol test which would mean 9 mos. in New Mexico at a training camp - provided he passes the background and physical agility tests. He is dabbling with the idea of going to Afghanistan to teach police officers for a year - which I FULLY SUPPORT - but I don't think he is truly interested in it. This is Joel...anything he hasn't tried sounds interesting until he gets his feet wet. I hope he can find something he feels passionately about!

Evan is thriving in middle school. He has been on the honor roll all 3 quarters so far - despite forgetting he needed to practice his cello and turn in practice logs! He competed in OM with a group of his friends where they placed 6th. Not bad for first timers! Evan designed their groups' t-shirts complete with a comic on the back. He is too funny! I was very proud of him for the way they turned out.

Oh the lovely sounds of Emma fussing...maybe I'll find time later this week to post again...maybe you won't hear from me until summer vacation!

December 2008

Well life really was still waiting for us after Emma was born -but we had no idea how busy it would really be!

Emma Louise Deenik arrived into our lives on August 16, 2008 @ 12:43 p.m. weighing 9 lbs., 9 oz. and measuring 22" long! She was a biggun!

I ended up taking a full 3 mos. off from work due to postpartum depression. It wasn't a surprise to struggle with it considering my past bouts with depression, but I had no idea how bad it could be. Thank goodness for a loving and supportive husband!

It is now x-mas break. We just celebrated my Mom's 60th birthday yesterday. Quite a miracle considering her heart attack earlier this year. We are all very glad she stuck around and are taking bets as to how much longer we have with her. I made her promise to make it 15 more years and then we'd talk again!

Evan discovered the truth of Santa this year, so Christmas will be pretty easy considering Emma won't know any different. Each child will get a few things and we'll just enjoy the nice quiet day together - having Dad with us for the first time in 5 years!

Nikki is coming to visit today (x-mas eve) and we are very excited to see her! Tomorrow will be relaxing and Friday will be the Jacobs' family x-mas, Emma's next photo session, and I may be babysitting JR and Jacob. So we're in for a busy end to the week! Merry Christmas!

Waiting...

Here I sit only days (or possibly even hours) away from giving birth...waiting. It's odd that we've waited 8 years for this little miracle and now these last few days feel like FOREVER although the 8 years now appear to have flown by. I think I've done enough laundry and cleaning for a lifetime this past month and yet I'm staring at the carpets thinking they should get vacuumed again and I'm noticing the spot on the wood floors that I forgot to mop and I just realized I have two more outifts of Emma's that I wanted to wash. And then there's school - I've been desperately avoiding doing anything to get my classroom ready for a sub and yet somehow I know that I need to get it done before I'm too exhausted to think. Although that may be where I really am right now - just too exhausted to think anymore. I'm ready. I can figure out all the other things after she comes because life will still be here waiting for me, just like I am waiting for her. Oh little one, I do wish you would come soon!